Thoughts of Grace

Yesterday Five Minute Friday’s writing prompt was trust. I wrote about my struggle with trusting. During my devotions the Lord had exposed a characteristic in my life. I had seen the tip of it before and called it being critical. I am ashamed to say what I saw as I looked at what the Lord saw.

Sometimes we pray, ‘help me to see myself as  You see me.’ Be careful, the picture is not always beautiful.

I had honestly prayed.

 Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:  And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. Psalms 139:23-24

I really wanted to know if there was any ‘wicked way in me’. Wicked is a very strong word. I didn’t think there was any wickedness in me. I was wrong. That is why I was so shocked. What I saw and what God saw were so different.

So while I was very thankful for God’s mercy to me to show me this wicked way; I was overcome with sorrow and grief. I prayed. My heart wept. I struggled.  I wrestled with the Lord. I didn’t want it in my life. What could I do to change? It seemed so huge a mountain. Through the day as this type of thought would come, and come they did, it was such a way of thinking I had accepted. I grieved anew. What can I do? How do I change?  Can I even change or am I undone completely?

Yesterday I wrote about my struggle with trust. I struggled and wrestled but I didn’t let go. I had to believe that if God showed me this cancer in my heart somehow He had the operation, the chemo therapy, the radiation to cure it. The procedure may leave scars. It may hurt. It may last for months. I may lose my hair. Despite all that  I would be cured.

I continued to pray and seek God’s face. He continued to hold my hand.

I asked for the procedure, for whatever it takes. He said, “The thoughts  will come, because you’ve allowed them entrance. As they come, I’ll point them out to  you and you can cast them away and replace it with kindness  You’ll replace them with respect for the person, acknowledgement of difference, acceptance of differences, you’ll be humble and appreciative.

This is my tool:

2Corinthians 10:5  Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;

Whenever I read this scripture, I think  ‘imaginations/high things’ those are thoughts that would separate or try to bring a wedge between me and God or His people. This was the way I would be able to conquer every thought.

With the tool came the encouragement in Proverbs 24:3-4 and 12-14

Through wisdom is an house builded; and by understanding it is established: And by knowledge shall the chambers be filled with all precious and pleasant riches.
My son (daughter), eat thou honey, because it is good; and the honeycomb, which is sweet to thy taste:  So shall the knowledge of wisdom be unto thy soul: when thou hast found it, then there shall be a reward, and thy expectation shall not be cut off.

Wisdom, understanding, and knowledge only come from God. My wisdom, etc. was so much lower than God’s. I couldn’t see what He could.

I can trust Him. God has forgiven me. I am not that way any more. Those thoughts don’t come from my heart anymore. It is a habit way of thinking, from now on I will be working by God’s grace to develop a new habit.   He will be leading “me in the way everlasting.”

He will let me hold His Hand every thought by thought.

I had another desire for restoration. My thoughts were standing in the way. As I am obedient to what the Lord is showing me, ‘my expectation’ shall be fulfilled.

I am gratefully trusting God.