Ten on Tuesday – Pranks and Jokes

On Tuesday’s Carole hosts ‘Ten on Tuesdays’.
She chooses a topic – we list ten items.

10 Favorite April Fool’s Day Pranks.
If you’re not into pranks then 10 Favorite Jokes

I chose only three items this week:

My favorite joke of all time,

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, “OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!” The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?”

The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete…how much steel!! No, think of another
wish.” The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women….know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment….know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say ‘nothing’….know how to make them truly happy….”
The genie asked, “Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?”

My favorite blond joke,

A blond woman walks into a store.
Curious about a shiny object, she asks, “What is that?”
The store clerk responds, “It’s a thermos.”
The blond then asks, “What does it do?”
The clerk says “It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”
So she buys one.
The next day, she brings it to work with her.
Her boss, also a blond, asks, “What is that shiny object?”
She replies “It’s a thermos.”

He asks, “What does it do?”
She says, “It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”
He then asks, “What do you have in there?”
“Two cups of coffee and a popsicle.”

A divorce prank that makes me laugh every time I read it.

Her very wealthy husband wanted a divorce. He loved his young secretary. The young secretary wanted the big house. The husband’s attorney made that happen . . .

She spent the first day packing her personal belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days. In the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and, eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. She told him she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home. Including the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON’T YOU?